Do I Want It Badly Enough?

•June 7, 2011 • 1 Comment

One a scale of one to ten, ask yourself how badly you want whatever it is in your life that you’re striving for right now. 10 being that you want nothing else more, 1 being that you could care less.

Weight loss. Health. Italy.  10. Without a doubt.

Now, using the same scale, ask yourself how badly you want to DO THE WORK it takes to get there? 3. Some days 5.

This is why I’m failing.

How do you convince yourself to focus when all of the edges are blurry? I’ve been stuffing myself with crap and in turn feeling like crap. I keep telling myself, I can’t do this. I can’t. I can’t. I can’. I can. I ca. I… I… I can do this. I just need to actually do it. Even when I don’t want to. And that’s the problem.

I want to lose weight. I want to be healthy. I want to go to Italy.

But. I need to want it enough. Want it more than I want to eat that damn pizza for lunch.



Reasons I Want To Lose Weight

•June 6, 2011 • Leave a Comment

Reasons I want to Lose Weight:
(in no particular order whatsoever)

Cuter, more affordable clothes
To be healthier overall
Better skin
Stronger immune system – I feel like I get sick too often
More confidence
So I can dance better and faster and more often
and so I can practice yoga more
and start to run
To like my body
and like what I look like in photographs
To hopefully rid myself of sleep apnea – NO MORE CPAP
Sleep better
Less depression and anxiety (due to being overweight and eating unhealthy foods)
To reverse insulin resistance
so I am not addicted to sugar and my blood sugar is more regular
Have more energy
So I can teach others to eat better
and be a good example at the same time.
So I feel more in control of myself
It would be a huge huge huge accomplishment in my part
Less heartburn
I would be more out going
I will be more assertive

Redefining Eating in Restaurants

•May 4, 2011 • Leave a Comment


Is every time you go out to eat a celebration?

That’s a question my Weight Watchers leader asked last night. It’s a question that I never really thought of before, though I knew that in the back of my mind it held a lot of meaning. Why yes, yes it is. (I was tempted to raise my hand and say, “Every day is a celebration!” Because it should be. But just because every day is a celebration doesn’t mean that every day must be eaten in high fats and sugars).

Restaurant food is good stuff. I could sit here and list for hours about my favourites, tell you where you need to go and what you need to try and what I want to go back to right at this moment and take a bite of. But really, restaurants are always going to be there (that is, assuming we aren’t headed for some sort of dystopian future. But this is a hint that I’ve been reading too much dystopian fiction). There will always be amazing pizza, and you will always have a chance to eat that burger some time in the future. That doesn’t mean you should eat all of it and everything else right now.

And that is, ultimately, something I struggle with. The idea that one meal is a party, that I might as well blow it GOOD if I’m going to blow it at all.

If I want to think about eating out, if I want to remind myself that not every occasion to eat out is any sort of celebration, I’ve decided that maybe I just don’t want to go out to eat all of the time. The healthy menu options at most restaurants are lacking severely. The options are minimal and the portion sizes seem teeny compared to everyone elses. I’d rather make my own huge portions of food I know will be yummy and healthy.

So I’m making an even more conscious effort to stop going to restaurants. I’m going to take  out my cookbooks, look up recipes online and make as many delicious meals as possible by myself and for myself.

I also learned last night that one Bloomin Onion has…. 3800 calories in it! It takes 3500 calories to gain one pound, so I’m going to just let you sit back and think about that for a moment…

Weigh in Day!

•May 2, 2011 • Leave a Comment


I remember this little cartoon from when I first joined Weight Watchers ten years ago. I think it’s cute. And I’m a little shocked to realized this struggle has been ten years in the making. It’s actually been a lot longer, but Weight Watchers when I was a junior in High School was my first real attempt to be a healthy weight.

It’s been a while since I’ve posted. I’ve been up and down, but ultimately I’m on the right track. So after of right now, I’ll post my total: 22.8 pounds lost!

Monday Weigh In

•April 5, 2011 • Leave a Comment

I’m down point two pounds. Better than the slight gain from last week, but not good. I’ve lost focus. Become lazy. Allergies have heightened my tired nature. Honestly, I’m making excuses and getting disappointed in myself.


Here’s to a better week.

How To Not Lose Weight

•April 2, 2011 • Leave a Comment

Share a bagful of M&Ms with your coworker

eat cookies for dinner

skip Zumba to eat sushi

take naps or go to sleep early

eat too much so yoga is not comfortable or rewarding

say you’ll start over tomorrow while indulging today

not feel accountable for anything

blame the weather

ignore hunger/ satisfaction signals

catch up on TV shows and movies on your to-watch list

decide not to take a walk during your lunch hour

accept that you feel stuck and imagine yourself always feeling that way.

Thoughts on Movement… Maybe I’m Just Resisting Myself

•April 1, 2011 • Leave a Comment
Why is it so hard to phyiscally move? Why is that I know that I’ll feel better if I get back to some sort of exercise routine, yet the idea of going to another Zumba class makes me feel tired without even making the effort to go? I feel like without working out, I’m fall behind even more. I’m not letting my body move. I feel more tired. I care less about what I put into my mouth. There’s like this barrier my body and mind needs to penetrate, a state of mind that I was in for a couple weeks and quickly fell out of. Just do it. Nike.  Just go. Work out. Zumba. Yoga. Walking. Dance.
Anything that gets you moving and off the couch, away from the novels. We have a treadmill in my basement. I want to train for a 5k. The thought is so tiring. Sometimes I psyche myself out. I go to Zumba and I want to give it MY ALL and I’m just not there yet, because my body isn’t there.
There’s nothing more depressing than trying to do a yoga pose that I have the flexibility for and I just can’t because my body gets in the way. It’s very humbling in a way. It brings you back to yourself. And yet at the same time, it makes it so you don’t want to go back to yoga again, because I don’t want to feel that again. I don’t want that shame that I put on myself. It feels as if everyone else knows. As if instead of doing your own practice, instead of deepening into the pigeon pose or jumping extra times while dancing you are watching me. You are aware. You are thinking to yourself, that girl can’t move.
In my head I know that doesn’t matter. I don’t even care if other people are looking, thinking. But in that moment, I do care. I care because I feel like I can’t do enough. Like trying my hardest isn’t the best I can do. Like I’m selling myself short. And then, because it’s inevitable even though I’m completely aware that I can’t help it, I start to feel bad for myself. I start to feel angry and frustrated because I feel like I shouldn’t be here right now. I should be beyond this point. I should be able to do this already. All this time and hard work – scratch that, hard thought. I haven’t been working hard enough. And yet I feel like I’m already worn out.